mother’s day.
i hate today already. i will not call my biological mother to wish her a happy mother’s day, i will call my ex-stepmother to wish her a happy mother’s day, and then i will hear about the errors of my actions for the year to come.
why on earth would i wish someone who i feel no maternal pull to a happy mother’s day? if i do, it is just fake and unreal, and not the type of person i wish to be. if i am real and wish the person i actually do have a maternal connection with a happy mother’s day, i am also in the wrong. today sucks, every year since i can remember. i try to ignore it, but if i do that, the person i wish was my biological mother gets hurts, and i can’t bear it. it’s only 9:14am, i am having my first cup of coffee, haven’t even gotten into the shower, and already i am puzzled and confused as to what in the fuck i am going to do today.
my family is meeting at my grandmother’s for a big luncheon at 12:30, how will i manage putting on a fake smile and pretend all is well? i would like to think i am not a drug addict, but i am not a drug addict as long as i can exist by myself when i need to. the drugs make me the person i need to be around whoever i need to be around. some adderall and morphine would suit me quite well and solve all my problems as far as how am i going to fake it today. the drugs do the acting for me.
happy fucking mothers’ day.
